How Do We Respond To People Dying?
For most Americans, death isn’t something about which we like to think or talk. Certainly, we don’t want to think about our own mortality (see previous post: You Mean… I’m Eventually Going To Die?). Nor do we tend to let our thoughts linger on the idea of people dying. The thought of others’ dying elicits fear, sadness, and anxiety. Prolonged existential thinking about others dying increases chances of despair, a sense of hopelessness, and darkness. Naturally, uncomfortable feelings can lead to becoming overwhelmed, avoiding death and/or numbness to death. (Just think about the number of times you’ve heard about a death recently on the news or seen it in entertainment.) We can unconsciously (or consciously) master avoidance and numbness towards people dying…until it becomes up close and personal.
If people do and will die, how do we respond to people dying, particularly when our current daily news provides a constant reminder? I’d like to offer a few reflections on how we can respond when death is an inevitable reality we must face.
Grieve:
This might seem obvious, but it’s easier said than done. I frequently talk to clients about the necessity of grieving and the importance of “sitting in”–that is, allowing themselves the time and space to feel and experience– the emotions related to loss and death. Grieving acknowledges the previous existence of something or someone; it acknowledges the hurt from the loss of what was previously there. A range of emotions can accompany grief: sadness, anger, confusion, disappointment, numbness, relief, happiness. The stages of grief, including depression, anger, bargaining, denial, and acceptance, testify to a variance in responses.
Everyone grieves differently because of differing needs: crying, reflecting on past memories, engaging in activities that recognize the life of the one(s) lost, celebrating or remembering through a cultural ceremony are some possible options. What is important is to not just “push on”, “get over it”, “keep going”, or to “suck it up”. We have many lessons to learn from other cultures about allowing time to grieve death! Grieving is NORMAL and helpful in healing. We are not weak for grieving; we are human. It is okay to grieve. How do we know? Jesus grieves Lazarus’ death in John 11. Stirred by seeing the grief of Mary and the other Jews, Jesus grieves too. If Jesus, who raised Lazarus from death, grieved, how much more will we humans need to grieve other people dying?
Cry out:
To Community & with Professional Help
It can be natural to look to close family and friends for comfort and reassurance. When grief hinders our ability to do daily life, seeking professional counseling or therapy provides additional support. By all means, community and counseling are wonderful gifts and should be safe places and people to process loss and death. Specifically in Job 2:11-13, Job’s friends exemplify a beautiful example of how to rally around a friend who’s experienced death. Proverbs 11:14 assures us of the wisdom in counseling. We are not meant to bear burdens alone; we are meant to encounter life with others.
To God
Even with community, community should never replace the beauty and joy that we have in crying out to God. The Psalms are rich with both praises and pleas alike. King David was a man who knew how to bear his soul before God. In grief, learn to cry out to God, who knows the sting of death and grief of losing loved ones. Use Psalm 6, verses 2-3 and 6-9 as a guide:
2 Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am languishing;
heal me, O Lord, for my bones are troubled.
3 My soul also is greatly troubled.
But you, O Lord—how long?…6 I am weary with my moaning;
every night I flood my bed with tears;
I drench my couch with my weeping.
7 My eye wastes away because of grief;
it grows weak because of all my foes.
8 Depart from me, all you workers of evil,
for the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping.
9 The Lord has heard my plea;
the Lord accepts my prayer.
Remember Death and Eternity in Light of Jesus:
One of the best sermons I’ve ever listened to considered grief and Jesus’ response to both Mary and Martha. We could easily overlook Jesus’ response to Martha as we considered his response to Mary; both responses show that grieving and remembering death in light of the Gospel are crucial. With Mary, Jesus grieved through weeping (John 11:35). With Martha, Jesus provided the truth of who He is in light of another dying. Jesus then clarified that He is the one who gives eternal life. In John 11:25-26 he said,“I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?”
We must remember that experiencing others’ death is hard but also temporal. We must remember and believe that Jesus, whom Martha identifies as “Christ, the Son of God” lived, died, rose, and is coming back to this world to show that: 1) He overcame death and reigns as our Savior; 2) we have a hope that shines above all darkness and sadness in this world; and 3) ultimately, we must fix our eyes on the eternal, not the temporal, for true hope in this world.
No guidebook explains how to respond to death, but as long as we live, people dying will be a part of our world. We have to figure out how to respond. I offer these reflections and responses as I’ve found these beneficial to grieving the lives of two parents–one who died in 2018 and one who has been terminally ill for five years, and from a clinical standpoint as I counsel clients through grief.
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Brye Balkum, MSW, LCSW
