Is Conflict Always Bad?

A lot of times when we face conflict, we tend to default into a defensive position.  We assume that the person or persons whom we are in conflict with is against us, when most of the time they are only against our differing opinion.  Unfortunately, this wrong assumption often brings about conflict that is not healthy… feelings get hurt, relationships are wounded, and friends part ways.  Most people wrongly have the tendency to either run away from conflict, or to lash out angrily in an attempt to defend themselves; neither are helpful or healthy.  One of the reasons I started this blog is because I believe that when people of differing opinions handle conflict in a mature and peaceful way, it often brings about stronger relationships and a better end result.  The concepts I will be mentioning in this post help encourage humble dialog, which is the kind of environment I hope to create on this website.

Personally, I don’t like conflict.  I hate it when people disagree with me… and many times my pride gets the best of me and I fall into some of the same struggles mentioned above.  I think where we tend get it wrong is when we assume that conflict is always a bad thing.  Because of this tendency, we are quicker to believe wrongly about the opposing party instead of listening and learning from the disagreement.  In this post I want to briefly give four ways that conflict can be a good thing, and offer some suggestions on how to deal with it more peacefully.

First: Conflict can often bring about a better product in the end.  We all have different experiences, different backgrounds, and have learned different things.  There are areas in which I know a lot about, and others where I know very little.  We all have biases, and if we are not careful we will miss the opportunity to learn from someone who knows more about something than we do.  When we look at the history of science, mathematics, industry, and all sorts of other fields, we see development over time.  Each person built on the work of those who came before them.  Clearly history teaches us that progress is made when people learn from one another.

Second: Conflict can help us learn how to admit we are wrong.  Unfortunately we live in a society where the 11th commandment is, “thou shall not judge…”  Without getting into the topic of judging too much in this post, I think the reason this is looked down upon is because people just don’t want to admit that they are wrong.  If we are honest with ourselves, we have all been wrong at some point (I know I have been wrong many times!)  Conflict can sometimes help us realize this, and teach us how to deal with it.  Ken Sande from Peacemaker Ministries wrote a book called Peacemaking for Families.  I highly recommend it and will be referencing some ideas from it for the remainder of this post.  If you would like to learn how to be better at admitting when you are wrong, check out the 7 A’s of Confession from Peacemaker Ministries.

Third, conflict can help us learn how to confront people when they are wrong.  This is something that tends to be a foreign concept for some, and a regular occasion for others.  Some people, when they are offended just hold it in and let it build up inside them until they completely loath the other person… but then can’t really give a rational reason for why they feel the way they do.  Others tend to lash out when they are offended and hurt the other person.  Neither one is healthy for dealing with conflict.  We need to learn to listen and understand where the other person is coming from.  We need to let the conflict teach us how to talk through disagreements maturely so that we can come to a compromise.  For insight on how to better do this, see the PAUSE Principle, also from Peacemaker Ministries.

Fourth, conflict can help us learn how to forgive.  The truth is that regardless of how conflict is handled, sometimes feelings will get hurt.  In these times we need to be willing to forgive once things cool off, and let the conflict build up the relationship instead of tearing it apart.  Peacemaker Ministries also gives Four Promises of Forgiveness, and I highly encourage you to check out these three links and read Sande’s Book, which is where I first learned about these concepts.  Knowing them has been immensely helpful for me as I have faced conflict in my life, and I hope they will be helpful for you too!