Are My Expectations For A Spouse Too High?

Though it is hard to get an exact number because of differences in assessment methods, some have estimated that 40-50% of marriages in the United States will end in divorce.  Others have argued that it is more like 30% but I don’t think either one is that impressive… For many couples, once the “lovey-dovey” feelings wear off, they realize that things aren’t quite what they expected.  Some men expect their wife to take the place of their mother and end up frustrated when they come home to no dinner and a dirty house.  Some women get frustrated because their husband doesn’t show them the affection that they want or because their husband does not help them out around the house.

I’m not married yet, so I don’t have a lot of wisdom to contribute to this issue.  What I do know is that often times, I have unreal expectations of others.  I expect them to do things right 100% of the time and when they only do 95%, I get frustrated with them.  Then if I look at myself, I realize that I never do things right 100% of the time… I’m lucky to get 50% most days!  As I think about this, I need to remind myself that if I am an imperfect human being… so is everyone else.  1 John 1:8 says, “If we say, “We have no sin,” we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us.”  The truth is, we are all sinful… we all mess up… no one is perfect.

I think one of the reasons marriages fail and relationships schism is because many people expect too much from others. Guys try to find the most beautiful girl in the world and marry her… only to find out that after a little aging and a few kids, the youthful glamor has faded away.  Women expect men to love them perfectly, but no one can love anyone perfectly (except Jesus).

I have a lot of friends from India, and for those of you who don’t know, many people from there have arranged marriages.  For Americans, this is a hard concept to wrap our brains around, but the truth is that 55% of marriages in the world are still arranged.  Love marriages are in the minority.  Most Americans wrongly assume that all arranged marriages result in a woman being forced to marry a man just because her parents made a deal with the other family.  This does happen in some cases, but for many arranged marriages there is much more freedom.  Instead of forcing a daughter to marry, many parents suggest potential mates and try to help their children find a spouse.  If they don’t like them, then they don’t have to marry them.  Many even take some time to get to know each other before deciding whether or not to get married (but it isn’t like the long term dating relationships many Americans have).  Interestingly enough, only about 6% of arranged marriages end in divorce.  Why do you think that is? Admittedly many of these societies frown on divorce much more than the typical American, but it is still an interesting thing to think about.

I think many Americans (me included) have a tendency to look for “The One.”  We believe in the “Unicorn Spouse” and think that there is this perfect person out there that is going to fulfill our every need and desire.  Then when love blinds us into thinking we found that person, we marry them and become disappointed when we regain our eyesight and see that they aren’t as perfect as we thought they were.  I don’t know exactly what people from arranged marriage cultures expect when they commit to a marriage, but they don’t seem as concerned about finding “the one” as they are about finding “some-one.”  I also think that because they don’t just keep dating around trying to find the next best thing and because they are trusting in the wisdom of their families, they probably have lower expectations than most Americans do.  I’m not saying you should adopt an arranged marriage mentality, though I must admit there is something beautiful about a family that really cares for their child enough to help them find a mate.  (As a side note, if your family and friends think the person you are interested in is toxic for you, this should be a red flag!)  I’m just saying maybe there is something we can learn from other cultures. Whatever the case, we should be careful to keep our expectations in perspective and remember that we are all imperfect human beings and there is no one who can fulfill all of our needs perfectly (except Jesus).

What do you think?  I would love to hear from people who have experience with both types of marriages.